So this past weekend Johnny and I decided to retreat to our cabin at the lake for some much needed rest and downtime. We packed up our bags, books and booze and off we went. I couldn’t wait to sit on the porch with a cocktail and watch the sun set over the sleepy little cove. You long time readers may remember that cabin is where we spent most of our time when we dated and it was also the location of our wedding, five years ago. It’s a very special little place to us and holds so many happy memories. A weekend spent down there recharges your batteries and is good for the soul.
It was Friday evening after supper and we decided we’d listen to some tunes and play a board game. “Gimme a sec!” I said as I bopped into the bathroom. As usual I lowered my pants and sat on the commode. As I was doing my business I felt something brush against my hair on the right side of my head. Then I felt a slight pressure on my head. My knee jerk reaction was to throw my head forward and bat at my hair with my right hand. I heard a faint thud on the carpet in front of me and looked down and saw this between my feet.
WHAT. THE .HOLY. HELL. IS. THAT.
I froze in sheer terror and my pee stopped in mid-stream and I screamed for Johnny with all the capacity my lungs had. Now I am normally not terrified of spiders and roaches and things but this thing could walk on a fucking leash, I kid you not. As I heard Johnny coming down the hall I threw myself forward and off the toilet. I would like to say I wiped myself and pulled up my pants but sadly I did not. As he came around the corner it was all I could do to scream and frantically point downward at it. Guys, it was HAIRY. In the dimly lit bathroom (it’s a wood paneled cabin) and a somewhat fuzzy head (I’d been cocktailing) and I could clearly see how hairy it was. “GET IT GET IT GET IT KILL IT GET IT JOHNNY GEEEEEETTTTT ITTTTT”!
“HOLY SHIT!” yelled Johnny as he finally realized what he was seeing. I think my standing there screaming with my pants around my ankles threw him for a second. Again we’d been doing some porch drinking so our reflexes and thought processes weren’t ninja-like. Johnny quickly looked about the bathroom for something to whack it with. There was no grabbing some toilet paper and scooping it up. Hell, you’d draw back a nub. This is where it gets kinda silly. Johnny was going to do some work on our bathroom ceiling while we were there so he had his tools on the bathroom sink. Naturally, he grabbed this.
Because why wouldn’t you grab a rusty old hand saw to kill a freak spider the size of your face?!? I think I *may* have called him a @*&*(%#@ retard at this point. He starts whacking up and down at the spider with the saw sideways which is completely ineffective as you can imagine. The spider takes off for behind the toilet. NOW I am 100% horrified because the thought of it getting away hadn’t even occured to me. The carpet is brown, the walls and molding are brown and the gigantic satanic spider is also indeed brown. This made it increasingly difficult as it retreated further away. I finally had the presence of mind to pull up my pants and run into the kitchen for a flashlight. I got the spider in the spotlight and kept screaming at Johnny to “KILL IT! GET IT! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU BLIND? IT’S RIGHT THERE! I’M STAYING AT A HOTEL IF THAT FUCKING THING GETS AWAY”. Just then the rusty saw came down atop the spider and Johnny smooshed it with all his might, and continued flapping the blade down upon it. Its legs curled in around itself but it was still bigger than a golf ball.
“Jesus” said Johnny as he watched the last leg stop quivering. “I’m sweating”. My mouth was still agape in horror. “Did it jump on me? Did it fall? WHY WAS IT ON MY HEAD?!? We still don’t know. What I do know is that shit will sober you right up. We stayed the rest of the weekend but my bathroom behavior has somewhat changed. I now kick in the door karate style and turn on every single light and scour the place before sitting on the thunderbucket.
When we got home yesterday I googled large spiders in the South. Turns out this fellow is called a Wolf spider, and they are often mistaken for Tarantulas. Here’s a little tidbit from the online source.
Signs of a Wolf Spider Infestation
Sightings of wolf spiders are the main sign of their activity. (REALLY?!? YOU DON’T SAY.)
Although their reputation would lead one to believe otherwise, the bite of the wolf spider is not a significant medical threat to the average adult. Wolf spiders typically do not bite unless threatened or provoked. In most cases the wolf spider will first retreat or rear up on its legs, exposing its large fangs. (Did you just pass the F out when you read that last sentence because seriously? I almost did and I’ll tell you something else, if that thing had reared up on its legs there would have been a lot more than pee running down mine). *shudder*
Johnny was telling this escapade to his Mother because of course it’s HI-LARIOUS to everyone whose head the spider wasn’t actually on and he was trying to tell her how big it was and he kept saying it was the size of a dinner plate. It turns out that’s exactly the correct description. I submit to you a little piece I like to call Spider from Hell on Dinnerware.