Turns out, there’s a pool in Hell.

Well once again to confirm that I am indeed a mouth-breathing idiot I have undertaken yet another bullshit fitness endeavor.  Well, two actually.  I am back in Boot Camp and I have signed up for a half marathon – as if the pain of the first one has faded.  JEBUS.

This time I’m actually running it and will refuse any Bloody Mary’s offered to me around Mile 9 because let’s be honest in hindsight that may have been a mistake.  Well, the second one surely was.

Let me tell you how mentally unsound I am.  Boot Camp is outdoors at 5:45am.  And I started in FEBRUARY.  By the time I leave for work at 8am, I have been up THREE hours and I’m pretty much ready for lunch.  Every morning when the clock hits 5am I think “this is ridiculous” and every morning I arrive home around 7am and think “I AM MADE OF AWESOME”.  I have never finished a workout and felt regret, quite the opposite.  Endorphins!

The running isn’t easy though, I’ll admit.  It is a bit of an un-natural act for me.  I am notsomuch a galloping gazelle and more like a big cumbersome Yeti stumbling flat footed through the wild.   I’m told it will get easier.  I’m hoping that will happen soon.  I made it 9 (!) miles on Saturday and as of today I’m still sore.   On Saturday evening I ate like I was going to The Chair.  Two bowls of pasta as big as my head.  I was ravenous.  However, all this exercise is finally starting to pay off and I see progress in my stamina in Boot Camp, in my distance/time in running and wouldn’t you know it my pants are starting to fit better.  Woot.

I’ve not put down the vodka though and am planning to in April for the full court press leading up to the marathon.  Watch me lose 20 pounds.   Tired, hungry and sober – boy, Johnny is in for a treat!   Wish me luck.  On second thought, wish Johnny luck.

On Saturday in an effort to be a better wife and stepmom, I went to an INDOOR waterpark to meet Johnny and the girls who were staying there for the weekend.  Oh, did I mention it was SPRING BREAK?!?   I am here to tell you folks, there are some things you can “un-see”.  The good news is I felt like Jennifer Aniston walking through the place in my bathing suit.  350 pound women in BIKINIS.  Some of the worst tattoos and piercings I’ve ever seen and y’all I lived in HOLLYWOOD.  It was over-run with screaming children and their negligent overweight-fried-food-eating-entitled parents and If I had to stay their overnight I would have gone to jail.  Srsly.

At one point I was standing in the shallow part of the wave pool trying to keep my shit together when I looked over to my right to see an enormous woman sitting no less than 2 feet from me with a little boy who was bent over and literally snot rocketing into the pool one nostril at a time.  You may call this a “Farmer blow” but it’s when you put a finger over one nostril and just blow your shit out of your nose free style into wherever you are.  This is acceptable in Boot Camp.  It is not in a PUBLIC pool.  She was patting him on the back and cooing “get it all out now honey”.  Are you EFFING kidding me?!?  I almost passed out.  I wish I could’ve barfed because I would’ve walked right over to her and let her pat my back.  Same thing.

At one point I put on Ella’s goggles in the regular pool and there’s another regret.  The water was green and murky and pulpy like orange juice and I’m pretty sure a used condom and a syringe floated by me while I was underwater.   NEVER AGAIN.

I came home and took what I like to call a “Silkwood” shower.  Google that if you need to.  I’m not sure if I believe in Heaven but I’m pretty sure if I die and go to hell that waterpark is where I’ll spend eternity.   My favorite tattoo?  On a lovely young lady’s stomach – “I’m not never going home”.

Yeah, well sweetheart, I’m not never going back.


One thought on “Turns out, there’s a pool in Hell.

  1. Yea! News from Jen! bwahahaha….

    Yes, happily in SoCal we’re so germaphobic we chlorinate EVERYTHING! That Jennifer Anniston thing you pulled off, I sooo pulled off in a grocery store in Orlando just strutting into the place hahaha.

    As to the running…, I wish I had that courage, really I do! But my mental brain HATES that level of exercise & is a really loud bitch when I try it. On the helpful side I was given advice on a tip I’ve been wanting to try if I got brave enough to run…. A velcro torso band like they give women after a C-Section. Holds it ALL in so you’re less jiggly when you joggidy.

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