EQUAL OPPORTUNITY OFFENDER
Yesterday I was in line at Kroger and this kind of cute young guy was standing behind me while putting his groceries up on the belt. I noticed he had a wonky ear and tried hard not to stare but it was difficult because it looked like it had been melted. You know how when a candle kind of caves in and drips down around itself? Like that. Naturally I was mesmermized and I was staring intently at it wondering if it was a birth defect or the result of an accident and thinking if he could hear through it and all of that and of course he noticed me staring and said “how ya doing”? to which I LOUDLY replied, “IT’S REALLY NOT A PROBLEM”!
Good grief. Remember the flipper situation from a few years ago? I am clearly the one with the problem.
QUIT SCARING SERVICE WORKERS THAT YOU DON’T REALLY KNOW
I was walking to the bank the other day and ran into the gal that delivers packages to our office. She told me that she had just been broken up with, via text message. She has pink hair.
Me: What? That’s bullshit. You’re not going to stand for that, are you?
Delivery girl: Um, I guess I need to go by there after work and pick up my stuff.
Me: No way. That’s unacceptable. You text his lame ass back and tell him that this is certainly NOT over. You tell him that you deserve a lot more respect than that, didn’t you see that episode of Sex in the City when Burger breaks up with Carrie on a Post-it note?!? Carrie at least went out drinking with her friends and smoked a doobie! This is just as bad or maybe worse because at least Burger wrote something down and didn’t just type out “WE R DUN” or some shit and hit “send”! I’m not saying you have to go all “Burning Bed” on his ass but c’mon, that’s one cowardly move and you know it and you totally deserve better than that.
Delivery Girl: I’m just sad and I don’t know what you’re talking about.
IF HE WASN’T ALREADY IN JAIL THE FASHION POLICE WOULD HAVE ARRESTED HIM
I was coming out of the Courthouse earlier this week for work and grabbed the 4th floor elevator down in search of lunch and a walk around downtown. Just as the door was shutting a hand stopped it and in walked what appeared to be an attorney with an inmate. The inmate was a towering black dude wearing a dirty grey jumpsuit and handcuffs. I heard clanking and looked down to see shackles and chains around his ankles. He was also wearing neon orange Crocs. With socks.
I looked at the inmate and smiled. The attorney had a face like an onion and appeared to be no fun whatsovever.
Me: I bet wearing those Crocs are worse than wearing those shackles.
Inmate: *laughing* Girl, you know it.
Me: Nothing says jail like plastic footwear!
Me: Well, it could always be worse.
Inmate: I don’t know …I’m basically wearing a snuggie out in public.
Me: Yeah, your outfit doesn’t exactly say “my life is right on track”!
The attorney then promptly escorted my friend off of the elevator while giving me a dirty scowl. I wished my buddy good luck and he turned back to me and winked. All in a day’s work.