Where I attempt to channel my inner Zen

OMG you guys like I have a fo’ real job interview tomorrow.  Not some Craigslist bullshit, but a seriously grown up job in a swanky and hip office.  I’ve been called a lot of things but “hip” certainly isn’t one of them.  I’m terrified.  First of all I have zero cool and professional clothes to wear and secondly I’m in desperate need of a haircut and highlight job.  I have no time between now and then though so I guess I’ll just roll in there looking like Tonya Harding and hope for the best.   Who knows, maybe I’ll fall down or have explosive diarrhea?  These guys are so hip they’re shiny and sleek even in their appearance.  I’m going to be the proverbial corn speckled turd in the punchbowl.

They were like “can you come in at 11am?” and I replied “well, I don’t know that’s usually when I watch The View but I guess I can DVR that shit”.   Okay, I didn’t say exactly that but I did mention that I usually spend my days watching Law and Order Special Victims Unit marathons so I’m pretty flexible time-wise.  No response.

I can tell immediately that this is going to be a situation where I need to not be myself during this interview which makes me even more nervous.  When I can’t be myself all I can do is focus on not being myself which makes me say something completely stupid and inappropriate which totally is being myself.   They’ll be talking profit and loss margins and I’ll blurt out something ridiculous like “anyone got any weed”?

So now I have nothing to do but freak the fuck out between now and 11am tomorrow because not blowing this interview will be my only focus.  I anticipate spending my evening going through every single item in my closet trying to find the perfect outfit that says “I’m responsible and efficient but I’m also totally confident and trendy”.


I might as well just throw on my Honey Badger t-shit and some denim jorts, seriously.  Between that and my redeneck roots peeking through I’ll come across as a class act. The thing is at the pizza shop I just wore a ball cap and didn’t really worry about my ‘do.   AND IT TOTALLY SHOWS.  I wonder if it would raise any eyebrows if I rolled in there donning a bonnet?  Could I tell them I’m a Mennonite and that’s just how I roll? I know,  I’ll wear a hoodie!  How awesome would it be to just walk in dressed like the Unabomber and plop down at their conference table?

Awesome, sure.  Smart?  No.

Anyway, wish me luck guys.  I’ll let you know how it goes.  I’ll consider it a complete victory if I manage not to audibly fart.

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