I am totally dying of oral cancer.
Okay. Let me back up. Over a month ago I felt like a sore had developed inside my mouth. A sore spot, not unlike a canker sore had appeared under my tongue.
I didn’t think much about it but it absolutely refused to go away. I made Johnny look at it with a flashlight but that led nowhere, just like with my hemorrhoids.
I decided to go online and do a little research.
On the other hand, it did give me some comfort knowing that at least I didn’t have a 4 lb tumor growing out of my mouth. There’s that.
Anyway, I finally decided to make a Doctor’s appointment because it’s just not getting better and it’s kind of painful. I went online and found an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist here in my town.
I cheerfully bopped into the Doc’s office this afternoon for my 2 o’clock appointment. After mounds of paperwork, they called me back to the examination room.
The Doctor came in and I shit you not, he had one of those old school shiny round things on his head. What are they even called?
I immediately felt at ease. NOT. What the hell is next? Leeches?
Anyway, he took a brief cursory glance inside my mouth and announced, “mouth ulcer, no big deal. we’ll numb it up and snip it off and off you go”! So cavalier!
Snip something OFF OF MY TONGUE, you say? Um, back up Dr. Giggles.
Numb it up? You mean like, with a needle? A needle IN MY TONGUE?!?
Turns out, that’s exactly what he meant.
So, there I was. Sitting and stressing and awaiting tongue “snipping” while sweating like a nun in a cucumber patch. He sprayed something in my mouth that tingled and then left me for a few minutes. Not good form. In those few minutes I had visualized my grotesquely deformed tongue, post snipping. I had thought of what would happen if he missed the mark, gouging out too much of my poor tongue and thusly leaving me with a speech impediment.
By the time he came back I was a bit of a wreck. He assured me everything was going to be fine and mentioned that if I was a good girl there was a sticker in it for me. Now we’re talking.
Have you ever had a total stranger hold your tongue outside of your mouth with a 4×4 piece of gauze? It’s not only uncomfortable, it’s unnatural. As in, your muscle reflex is to jerk your tongue say, back INSIDE your head. Weird. Luckily the lady holding my tongue had done this many times and her other hand was holding mine while Dr. Snippet injected my tongue twice (!) with some sort of numbing agent.
I had a good time talking after that. I sounded like Fat Albert. Of course I found this to be absolutely hilarious. I started talking like someone in an episode of “Cops”. This completely cracked me up, and as it turns out, my Doctor as well.
He dubbed me his “most entertaining patient of the day”. By the looks of the waiting room, I won by a landslide.
I survived the shots. I managed to breathe while he cut out my tongue ulcer. I did not enjoy seeing the crimson soaked gauze he pulled from my mouth afterwards. He on the other hand, was all shits and giggles. This is his thing.
The real deal? Well, as you may or may not know, I was a smoker back in the day and Doc decided to be on the safe side and remove said ulcer and send it to the Path Lab. I’m embarrased to even type that now but our past is our past, correct? He said it was 99% benign from what he’s seen so I think those are pretty good odds.
Regardless it was a pretty amusing day. I’m home now with a crazy-ass hole in my tongue. It is literally black from being cauterized to stop the bleeding. Oh goody! If I didn’t love you guys so much, I’d totally post a picture.
But, he made good on his promise.
I got a sticker.