I’ve been getting a little ribbing in the last few days for my recent shiny happy posts. Evidently, some folks think this corrupted gal has been on antidepressants or some such nonsense. I suppose most of this stems from deciding to post once a day for a month about something I love. I admit, I’ve been a little soft in the last few posts and I haven’t mentioned pooping, burping or farting – some of my usual favorite subjects.
You’re welcome, Mom!
Mom, quit reading now. Go make some chicken enchiladas. (totally worth a click if you haven’t seen this before)
So, here we go!
Here’s yet another thing I love:
2. One-ply toilet paper. Now, I can’t believe I even have to address this one because seriously, if this is what you’re using, you ARE on crack. Occasionally I run into this diabolical affront in public restrooms usually of a gas station nature. I don’t care how many feet you rattle off and gather into a little “nest” before you wipe, you’re going to end up finger-painting at some point. NO THANK YA.
Plus, this 1-ply shit is usually so abrasive that you might as well wipe your butt with a corncob. You have a sore ass and you still feel dirty. (that’s what she said)
See, the beauty of Cottenelle is that it’s almost like using really soft corduroy in which to do your business. There’s a grainy weave that makes you feel that no matter what you’ve got going on, this t.p. can handle it. A friend of mine and I once had a discussion about what she dubbed the “test wipe” – I know you guys know about this, even if you haven’t pinned a name to it. This is when you poop and you’re not exactly sure of the damage. You wad up your paper and go for the “test wipe”. This is where you either hit clay or your hand flies halfway up your back before you can control it.
Now you know what you’re dealing with. Turn the paper over and give it another go, or start over completely with another wad. I’m a fan of the double flush when need be. Just sayin’. You do what you have to do to get the job done.
So, my vote is for Cottenelle regular or Ultra. Double rolls or whatever. It’s good stuff. I heard some foolery about Cottenelle being bad for the environment or ruining ancient forests or something but I refuse to look further into those rumors.
Look, I recycle. I live a fairly “green” lifestyle. I bring my own grocery bags to the store. I am doing what I can do reduce my carbon footprint but please don’t take my toilet paper away from me. Some things are just too crucial to my existence, and my rectal happiness.
When I googled images for this post this cartoon came up and I had to admit, it was pretty original.
So, happy wiping my cyber friends. You’re welcome.