You asked for it.

I’ve been getting a little ribbing in the last few days for my recent shiny happy posts. Evidently, some folks think this corrupted gal has been on antidepressants or some such nonsense.  I suppose most of this stems from deciding to post once a day for a month about something I love.  I admit, I’ve been a little soft in the last few posts and I haven’t mentioned pooping, burping or farting – some of my usual favorite subjects.

You’re welcome, Mom!

Mom, quit reading now.  Go make some chicken enchiladas. (totally worth a click if you haven’t seen this before)

So, here we go!

Here’s yet another thing I love:

It’s like crack…for your crack!
This is far and away my favorite toilet paper, full stop.  Given my lifestyle (vodka, jalapenos and Indian food)  I have become quite the connoisseur of toilet paper over the years and yes, one could say I’ve become a bit of a toilet paper snob. Back in my younger days I bought whatever was the cheapest.  If I ran out, I would use whatever paper towels I had on hand.   I’ll be honest, it hurt to actually type that last sentence.  *shudder*  What a rube.
I’ve tried every brand out there, trust me.  I won’t give a review of each but I will tell you the two qualities are the most offensive, in my professional opinion.
1.  Any toilet paper that touts containing “aloe” or “Vitamin E oil”.  Folks, this is just wrong on so many levels.  Have you actually used this stuff?  I suppose it’s okay in theory really, but use it and see how clean YOU feel.  First off, it feels like you are literally just smearing everything around when you wipe.  Isn’t feeling clean a big part of the wiping experience?  To rid yourself of the offensive (fecal) matter?*  It is to me, anyway.  Then, after you finally feel like you’re good to go, you wind up walking around feeling a little “slick” back there for lack of a better word.  I don’t care if I’m as chafed and chapped as Charlie Sheen in rehab, I want to be dry back there when I’m done.  That’s just me.

2.  One-ply toilet paper.  Now, I can’t believe I even have to address this one because seriously, if this is what you’re using, you ARE on crack.  Occasionally I run into this diabolical affront in public restrooms usually of a gas station nature.  I don’t care how many feet you rattle off and gather into a little “nest” before you wipe, you’re going to end up finger-painting at some point.  NO THANK YA.
Plus, this 1-ply shit is usually so abrasive that you might as well wipe your butt with a corncob.  You have a sore ass and you still feel dirty.  (that’s what she said)

See, the beauty of Cottenelle is that it’s almost like using really soft corduroy in which to do your business.  There’s a grainy weave that makes you feel that no matter what you’ve got going on, this t.p. can handle it.  A friend of mine and I once had a discussion about what she dubbed the “test wipe” – I know you guys know about this, even if you haven’t pinned a name to it.  This is when you poop and you’re not exactly sure of the damage.  You wad up your paper and go for the “test wipe”.  This is where you either hit clay or your hand flies halfway up your back before you can control it.

Now you know what you’re dealing with.  Turn the paper over and give it another go, or start over completely with another wad.  I’m a fan of the double flush when need be.  Just sayin’.  You do what you have to do to get the job done.

So, my vote is for Cottenelle regular or Ultra.  Double rolls or whatever.  It’s good stuff.  I heard some foolery about Cottenelle being bad for the environment or ruining ancient forests or something but I refuse to look further into those rumors.

Look, I recycle.  I live a fairly “green” lifestyle.  I bring my own grocery bags to the store.  I am doing what I can do reduce my carbon footprint but please don’t take my toilet paper away from me.  Some things are just too crucial to my existence, and my rectal happiness.

When I googled images for this post this cartoon came up and I had to admit, it was pretty original.

So, happy wiping my cyber friends.  You’re welcome.

* Fecal Matter is totally the name of my next band, FYI.

5 thoughts on “You asked for it.

  1. So Jason hates Cottonelle. Apparently his finger goes through it regularly. TMI. I think it smells weird when I blow my nose using it. Reminds me of when we first got married and were doing our first shopping trip together. I asked what kind of toilet paper he liked to buy, and he said typically Northern. "I like to wipe my ass on anything northern" he said. (He's pretty proud of being from the South and loves anything about Southern history, food, folklore, etc.)

  2. Brooooks says:

    Agreed. I also gravitate toward the Cottonelle. The Charmin is too poofy. I don't want a toilet paper that's plusher than my mattress. Cottenelle has some grip to it.I thought of you earlier this evening. I was making borcht and had just reached the point in the recipe where I was supposed to blend the mess to creamy goodness. Tragically, I underestimated the power of borcht. The blender let out a loud farting noise, then erupted like Vesuvius, spraying me and every available kitchen surface with beet juice. Dude. I looked like the prom scene out of Carrie. Who else was I going to think about at that moment, but you?

  3. JT says:

    There's my gal back! I personally am a Quilted Northern fan for my fanny. But I completely agree on the aloe/oil subject. I'd rather be dry and proper than feel like the Exxon Valdez spilled around my poop chute. Edit: After I typed "fanny", I feel as though I lost several hetero- points.

  4. Jen says:

    Rachael – I read your comment aloud to Johnny and he died laughing. "I don't know Jason, but I can tell already that I like him", he said. Hilarious!

  5. Rachel says:

    Jen, this is hysterical. I personally am a Charmin ultra strong fan myself but I will have to test your product now. I have been house sitting for my dad recently and he only buys the cheapest one-ply option available. I must say, this makes house sitting for him a pain in the ass in more ways then one! Maybe I should send him this post of yours and make him a believer of decent tp!

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