Brokeback Girl

Over a month ago I threw my back out. May 2nd, to be exact. I was on the front porch of our farmhouse watering flowers in some hanging baskets we had just purchased. Unbeknownst to me, a little bird had made a nest inside the flora of one of the baskets. When I tilted the watering can, the water hit said bird and it flew directly into my face. I in turn flew backwards in terror and hit the concrete porch on my rear end, jarring my back with such force that for a few minutes I just laid there, staring up at the swinging dripping flower pot. It would have been hilarious had I not hurt myself so profoundly.

This has happened before so I was prepared to just take things easy and eat a shit-ton of Ibuprofen. Taking things easy wasn’t an option as it turned out. We moved into a new home the very next week and for days we packed boxes and went up and down stairs and bent over and lifted and then did it all again at the new house. This proved to be detrimental to my condition.
Shortly after moving I found that I could hardly move. Seriously. I could barely dress myself and I could not bend over even to brush my teeth. Driving was unbearable, but necessary. I’ve never experienced such constant pain. Sleeping even hurt.
I took steroids. I took pain pills. I did exercises. And just when I didn’t think things could get worse, I developed Sciatica. Ever had it? I’m here to tell you, I would not wish it upon a sworn enemy. I realize I haven’t given birth or anything, but a lady I know that HAS (four times!) told me that her Sciatica was worse than childbirth because it lasted so much longer. I’m going on about three weeks. FUN.
It’s still here. Today I had to drive 9 hours in a car and according to my Doctor, I shouldn’t sit for more than 15 minutes straight. Awesome. As John Lennon once said, sometimes life gets in the way. I can’t put my life on hold because of this condition but I swear, I’d do anything to get rid of it.
Poor Johnny remains helpless yet supportive and not sure what to do. I try not to complain much, but it still wears me down and I submit to tears on occasion. Wiping my own ass is an actual challenge. Talk about humility and helplessness. You’d think prescription pain pills and vodka could knock this thing out, but you’d be wrong.
It’s got to work itself out, evidently. Johnny swears that he read on the internet that copious sex was a sure cure for Sciatica but so far I see no results. Well, no, I take that back…he seems to feel fine. (smile) Ha! I’m totally trying to keep a sense of humor but my nerves are frayed and I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.
Well, for now, I’ll just keep on keepin’ on. If you have any suggestions, legal or otherwise, I’m totally listening.

8 thoughts on “Brokeback Girl

  1. Oh Jen, back pain is horrible! I don't know if this might help, but when I had lower back pain from throwing it out (cursed exercise!) is did for me. I had a tummy sized ace bandage from when I had a c-section. I provided the muscle support that eased what I had to do every day chasing 3 kids. Lying on a heating pad every hour for 10 minutes or so to relax tightened muscles. And lie flat on the floor with feet up on a couch or chair.You gotta be diligent and selfish and do this for yourself or you'll just take longer to heal. Its okay to drop a few "responsibilities" to take care of yourself.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Been there done that, unfortunately. Back pain horrific, but give it time, it will get better. The sciatica takes a little bit longer to fade, but it will as well. Stretch stretch stretch and take your anti-inflammatory meds. Hope you get better soon.

  3. Joe says:

    Ok, First sue the bird. Maybe a class action against the whole family. If it weren't for mom and dad bird building a nest in your flowers then no baby bird. Or how about trespassing. Did you invite the bird over or not? Is your property posted? Last resort, shoot the dam birds! Or not and feed them like me. Sorry about the pain. Hope you get better.

  4. flyingcactus says:

    So sorry. Take care of yourself. Hope you feel better! -AQP

  5. omg, I can't even begin to imagine the pain you're in. I know it's impossible to turn your life off but try to take it easy as much as possible. Your body will heal a little fast if you let it rest. I hope you feel better soon!

  6. Wendy says:

    Going through some major back pain right now…so bad that I could not sleep at night and it hurt to turn corners when driving. I had an MRI and everything looked okay – the doctor was glad. Me, not so much, because knowing it was okay did nothing for my comfort. Currently, I am taking an anti-inflammatory, and muscle relaxer, and a pill for pain. In addition, I have been told to rotate hot and cold packs ever 15-20 minutes when the pain is unbearable. My doc said it could take 30 days or more for things to get back on track. Although, I have been decreasing my drug intake on my own and am doing okay. He also recommended PT (did this previously and it did not help) and a massage(s) because it might help work out the muscle pain.

  7. Shannon says:

    You drove 9 hours and you couldn't even drive 3 to see your own daughter? I'm hurt..really really hurt.. I hope you're still wearing that back brace. Good way to make new friends!

  8. emily says:

    Jenny – lie on your back with your legs up at a right angle on a chair or stool as much as you can – get a straw for your vodka – also go to physical therapy and get that deep stimulation thing on your lower back – it works – I have sciatic shit 3-4 times – once from getting hit, yes, HIT, by a Suburban on Lexington Avenue – good luck – xo em

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