Neophyte

I don’t know how my life became what it is folks, but today I was tasked with going to a “Babies R Us” store to purchase two changing table pads.

This would seem simple, and it probably is…for folks that know stuff about babies. Or folks that know anything really. Not for me. I had no idea what I was supposed to actually buy.
It can’t be that hard, I told myself. My very next thought was “what the heck is a changing table”? They need a special table for that?
See, I run the school. I don’t do diapers and I don’t do barf. I’m a paperwork kinda gal
You know, timesheets and schedules…not pull-ups and projectile vomit. NO SIR.
I walk into “Babies R Us” and immediately feel like a virgin at a Hustler Superstore. OMG. What the hell is all this crap?
The lights were bright and the sheer magnitude of pastel colors made me woozy. Everything was fuzzy and soft and there were things surrounding me of which I had no concept. Breast pumps. Onesies. Diaper Genies. WTF is a diaper genie?
My head was spinning. Do I look under “infants” or “furniture”? Is a changing pad like a maxi-pad? I finally found a dude coming out of the warehouse door. He had a dolly loaded with what looked to be a big cage but he explained to me that it was indeed a crib. Whatev.
Me: Dude. I’m lost.
Dude: You look it!
Me: I don’t know anything about babies.
Dude: Me either and I have two!
Me: I need a changing table pad.
Dude: Sure thing! What kind of changing table?
Me: Um. I dunno….um, see when a kid poops they put them on the table and change their diaper.
Dude: I know. What kind do you have?
Me: A nice one?
Dude: Okay, let’s try again. Crib or bassinet?
Me: Coke or Pepsi!
Dude: You really don’t know anything, do you?
Me: Correct.
Dude: And you work at a pre-school?
Me: I don’t have the time to explain, man.
Dude pointed me in the right direction and I grabbed two of what I thought were changing table pads. I handed them to my teachers and they looked at each other and the one sweetly said, “thanks Ms. Jenny, I think we can make these work”. I have no idea what I bought but there was a picture OF a baby on it so it had to be kinda close.
Back when I was a kid a “baby store” was more of a baby section in your local
K-mart and it consisted of some rattles and a few mobiles. This place was bananas and completely over the top. I will say I found a couple things I had no idea existed and may be making a return trip. There’s something called a postpartum girdle that I guess tucks all your loose business right up where it should be. Evidently they are industrial strength and are probably made of Kevlar. I know what I’m wearing for our next “date night”. Woo hoo!
There were also a dozen different types of baby wipes. Maybe more. Scented, unscented, anti-bacterial, aloe, lavender infused, all sorts of crap. My favorite thing was the “baby wipe warmer“. Oh, hell to the yeah. Evidently some babies recoil at the cold wipes and get cranky and I can’t say that I blame them. One of my pet peeves is putting on a turtleneck with wet hair in winter. Wet hair down your neck and back is awful. I can totally see the appeal of the wipe warmer. I also know that if you are a frequent reader of this blog that I do not need to go into details about what a little gem this find this is for me.
Now, I can have vodka and jalapeno’s at every meal. Thank you Babies R Us!

6 thoughts on “Neophyte

  1. RM says:

    Let me just tell you that wipe warmer is a life saver. I always include it in my top list of things to buy to friends with a first new baby.

  2. Clueless says:

    Funny Jen. I felt the same way when I was given one of those laser guns at Target when we were registering for stuff. I had NO IDEA what to get. And we did get one of those wipe warmers. Never did use it.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Amiable dispatch and this enter helped me alot in my college assignement. Thanks you seeking your information.

  4. Anonymous says:

    GuyYou have got to see this. Obama playing on XBox. Funniest video ever. http://bit.ly/bllhx1

  5. Joe B says:

    I would not want to see you in that girdle, but heck maybe your hubby won't mind. Heck of a date night that would be. Thanks for the laugh.

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