Tub for Two

Johnny was out of town last night due to business so I had a somewhat unexpected lovely evening all to myself. It harkened me back to my single days. I did a little scrapbooking, paid some bills, ate some leftovers and settled in front of the fire for a nice phone conversation with one of my best friends. All in all, a much needed relaxing night.

Fast forward to this morning.
I awoke early and stumbled downstairs to the shower. I lathered up and started to shampoo my hair as I tried to wake up and prepare for my day. As I raised my head up to begin to rinse out my hair, I felt something…
something, dare I say…
scamper across my foot. I wasn’t exactly sure what I had felt but in the dark pit of my stomach I was sure whatever it was, it had actually walked across my foot. Quickly I rubbed the shampoo out of my eyes and jerked my head downward. My eyes met its eyes in absolute horror. A big black rat mouse.
The sound that erupted from me was not a shriek, but more of a guttural loud groan. It was like a caveman-y sounding “WHHHHHUUUHHHH”. I leapt out of the shower. This was a good move, but in my haste I had forgotten to pull back the shower curtain and liner. I went head first toward the floor taking the curtain, the liner AND the rod with me. The curtain rod firmly stuck between the sink and the toilet, almost decapitating me in the process. I hit the bathroom floor sideways wrapped in wet vinyl and shampoo suds, grunting and yelling expletives.
Shit fire.
Panicky I arose and peered into the tub. There was the rat mouse, soaking wet and trying desperately to climb out of the tub. He was in the corner trying to run up the side of the tub, but basically he was on a little vermin treadmill. His little legs raced but he was going nowhere.
I ran into the kitchen (again, soaking wet, nekkid and with soapy hair) and grabbed a flyswatter off of the wall and returned to the bathroom. I hovered over the vile creature and pondered my odd choice. I felt sure that I couldn’t beat it to death. I don’t think I have the wherewithal to beat anything to death except for maybe Sarah Palin. Besides, a fly swatter is basically just going to spank the damn thing.
I had to calm down and think for a minute. I sat on the toilet and reviewed my options. Put a stopper in the tub and drown it? Use the bathroom upstairs although it only offers a tub option? Skip the shower and wait until Johnny comes home? Grab a set of bbq tongs and…oh god, that thought made me throw up a little bit in my mouth.
I calmly decided to strap on a set and go for broke. I mean, c’mon. It was the size of a small potato but still, I’m a crap-ton bigger. Was I really going to let this vile varmint ruin my entire morning? I am a 41 year old confident brave woman. Wait. Do rats mice carry Rabies? Oh, shit.
I skidded into the kitchen and got a pair of Johnny’s heavy duty work gloves and a dirty dish towel. By the time I returned to the bathroom, dude was just sitting in the tub, motionless. I think he’d worn himself out. Mind you, the water was still running from the shower head so he may have been water-logged as well.
I threw the dish towel over him and quickly put a big glove on each side of him and scooped him up. I ran to pitch him out the front door and realized quickly that this was no longer an option as around 30 cars were in front of my house ready to drop children off at the school next door. I’m still nekkid, you see. Still, I was horrified at the prospect of actually feeling him wriggle in my hands. HURRY.
I ran through the house towards the back door and quickly threw the entire package out onto the sidewalk. The towel unwrapped immediately and he went flying. He skidded a few inches on the pavement and just glanced back at me, shaking.
Of course, I was doing the same. I muttered something silly like “that’s the best I can do, pal”, and returned to the shower. I re-hung the rod/curtain/liner and stepped back into the tub.
Triumphant and somewhat tickled, I finished my damn shower as you can imagine, I was now wide awake.
Said rat mouse was gone when I left for work.
That’s life in the country for ya. Good morning!

4 thoughts on “Tub for Two

  1. Anonymous says:

    You're a better person than me, bud!

  2. I'm in awe. I don't think I would have the balls to do such a thing.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Peeing my pants right now…!!! You are hilarious! Nancy

  4. Joe says:

    You just made my day!!!

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