Afloat

SOME PEOPLE THINK IT’S FUNNY BUT IT’S REALLY DARK AND RUNNY

This morning I visited a coffee shop for the first time that bears a moniker touting said coffee.

The coffee was terrible. Seriously, I’ve had better coffee ON AN AIRLINE FLIGHT. Maybe I’m out of line here but I would think that when your store is mainly in charge of one key product, you’d pretty much make sure that at the very least that product was the shiz. Am I wrong?

LAME.

CRITTER COTTAGE

One of the duties of my job is that I have to pay a weekly visit to a “critter” store. Yes, I just wrote “critter”. Welcome to my life! Anyway, we have a Bearded Dragon at school and the darn thing evidently needs to be fed. Whatev. Enter Girl, Corrupted. I frequent the Critter Cottage weekly for a supply of crickets, sand and other douchery.

The woman that runs the place is the sincere definition of SALTY DOG. Rough customer. Rode-hard-and-put-up-wet. You know what I’m sayin’. This chick is hard. Her name is Dina. Did I mention that I love her?

She has a Marlboro Red hanging out of her mouth, every visit. Yes, inside the store. The store completely smells like a variety of piss. Sometimes ( have I died and gone to Heaven?!?) she is eating AND smoking at the same time. Huzzah! Do NOT get me wrong, I am not making fun of this woman. This chick’s life makes sense to her and I envy her that. She doesn’t go to bed at night with the worries of the future on her mind. No sir.

We inherited a fish at my school and I was lamenting a couple weeks ago about that exact fact.

Me: Yeah, we got a Beta.
Dina: Beta’s are assholes.
Me: Really?
Dina: Oh, fuck yeah. (she totally said “fuck yeah”)
Me: Oh.
Dina: That’s why they are alone in the bowl. They’re total assholes.
Me: I guess I never thought of a fish being an “asshole”.
Dina” Well, Betas are the assholes of the fish world, trust me.
Me: *exhale* Alrighty.
Dina: Honey, what else you need?
Me: Well, I tell ya what I don’t need….one more thing at my school to do nothing but eat and shit.

(wait for it……….this is the awesome part)

Dina: Oh shit. I hear ya, gal. I tell folks here at the store… I’ve got six pets…..two cats, two dogs, one snake and AN OLD ASS WHO JUST SITS ON HIS AND DOES NOTHING BUT WAIT FOR DINNER.

Can I just tell ya’ll I have a little bit of a girl crush on ole Dina? Isn’t that the funniest thing someone has ever said?

In related news I can also report that she rocks a paddle brush in the back pocket of her Levi’s. YES MA’AM.

She LOVES Sonic.

She refers to her mate as “My Old Man”.

She’s fantastic. The other day I went in for crickets and gerbil food and for whatever reason (the early hour, her weakened state given that she had recently had the flu, I don’t know) and she decided to pick ME as the recipient for her pent up grief regarding her beloved cat who had just passed on. I spent 30 minutes at the Critter Cottage while Hard Ass Dina almost literally cried on my shoulder.

Every conversation with this woman is peppered with profanity. She is unapologetic in her manner OR vocabulary. She runs a store that sells fish, scorpions, rats and snakes. She has no reason whatsoever to have a kinship with me, nor I with her. However, we certainly have one, and it’s brilliant. Sometimes my visit to her store is the highlight of my day.

I wish I was kidding.

Dina seemingly lives her life on her terms. I don’t know what goes on behind the scenes, that part is certainly not my business.

Lately I’ve felt that I’m living my life on everyone else’s terms. It would seem that my schedule is the one dictated to me, not the one I create.

Some days I just find myself jealous of Dina. I signed up for this life of mine, I certainly did.

That doesn’t mean it always makes sense.

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