All Over the Bored.

YOU KNOW, GULLIBLE ISN’T IN THE DICTIONARY

Currently, I’m unemployed. While pounding the pavement and searching online, I keep my days busy around here doing the usual stay at home wife stuff. I clean, do laundry and get groceries. I also make sure to have my fat ass on the couch with a cocktail at 4pm to watch Oprah.   C’mon, I’ll be employed soon enough – indulge me this guilty pleasure.  Well, yesterday I caught the tail end of Dr. Phil before Oprah was on the air. The subject of his show was something about the dangers of the Internet, best I could tell.

He had a chick on there who was a “victim” of Internet fraud. Evidently, she had been duped into believing she was corresponding online with Matthew Perry…for eleven months.  Yes, Chandler from Friends was chatting her up!   They were in love! How embarrassing to find out the true identity of her Internet love – a 16 year old girl from the United Kingdom. You. Colossal. Dumbass.

I tell you what, I’d be too damn embarrassed to admit that story on national television. Mind you, this was not a teenager. This situation cost this woman her marriage. Sometimes I weep for humanity.

The only real victim here is ME.  That’s thirty minutes I’ll never get back.  

SHE STILL HAS IT

Today I went into “town” to hit the grocery superstore for some essentials. As I wandered through the produce section I decided to grab a red pepper. I bent over to sift through the selection and felt the presence of someone standing behind me. I turned and saw a young looking farmboy. By young, I mean around 20 years old or so, and he appeared polite and earnest. He was obviously waiting for me to grab my pepper and go. 

“Oops”, I chirped. “Lemme get out of your way”!

“No problem”, he confidently replied, “I was just enjoying the view”.

OMG. He was checking out my 40 year old butt. GOOD GRIEF. YESSIR!

I say that like I cougared his ass right there in the store. No, I got hot and pitted out and nervously scuttled off like a demented homeless person and hid behind the bakery rack.

I will say however that I was donning a new pair of Danskin sweatpants and tomorrow I am buying 17 more pairs to wear every day from here on out. End of story.

JEW PEAS
As you know I am now a new stepmommy to two precious little girls.  It’s been quite a transition adjusting from a quiet life alone with my dog to an instant family.  How can something so small have lungs so large!?  For the most part it’s gone immensely well and I’d like to think I’m adapting like a champ.  They are as well. However, I had no way to prepare for how exhausting it can be.  I decided last night that our  youngest cherub indeed is inflicted with a disease.  It’s called “Jew Peas”.  As in:
“Jew peas help me go potty”?
“Jew peas get me a juice box”?
“Jew peas turn on Spongebob“?
“Jew peas read me a story”?
Folks, I’ll tell ya, it’s adorable, but it will also wear your ass out.  She’s well mannered but she’s also got the highest metabolism ever recorded.  I help with what she’s asking and I look at Daddy and say, “Jew peas make me a stiff drink”?
Coming up next week – Interviews!  Trips to town and my upcoming birthday – stay tuned!

5 thoughts on “All Over the Bored.

  1. I never understand how people think they actually won the lottery in Kenya or wherever, when they never played it. Don’t you have to play the lottery in order to win? Seriously, I do not understand how people can be so gullible. But they are as I get at least one email a day telling me I won the lottery. And those scammers wouldn’t continue to send them if they weren’t working.

  2. RM says:

    Try selling something on Craigslist like furniture. The scammers are amazing. Some of it is almost believable, even to a die hard skeptic like myself.Your post cracked me up. Glad you’re having so much fun with the kids. Our first (boy) is due in 6 weeks! I’d pay any amount of money to see you sitting through the baby 101 classes (read: how not to kill your new baby in the first 24 hours). I mentioned dragging him through a few dead cats to beef up his immune system. The Dr. was not amused.

  3. Janie says:

    Jew peas tell more stories like this?You’re doing good, girlfriend.

  4. jill says:

    So, are you suggesting that it’s not really Kevin Bacon that I’ve been corresponding with and sending money to?

  5. Way to go, hot step-mom having her assets checked out in the produce section by a studly farm-boy! I feel a Harlequin romance story coming on, gotta run!

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