Ya’ll, I have SO much to do. I have to pack. I need to be packing now, really. What does a girl who is moving in two weeks do on her one available Saturday afternoon? Go the movies, naturally!
I decided to check out this cultural phenomenon known as “Twilight”. This is the movie based on the novel series by Stephanie Meyer. This is your basic teenage love story except the dude happens to be a vampire. Bella wants to become a vampire, but Edward is reluctant to let that happen.
Now, I’ll admit, DUDE IS HOT.
Is it wrong of me to want to climb him like a cat pole? C’,mon, I don’t blame Bella one bit for her attraction to Ed, but alas, she’s super young and I don’t think she’s totally thinking this whole thing through.
1. First of all, I’m not going to date a dude who doesn’t sleep. Secondly, I’m not going to date a dude who LIKES to watch me sleep. Romantic you say? CREEPY, says me. Go watch The Sopranos or something, Ed – don’t lurk in my room staring at me as I snooze. Better yet? Clean something.
2. He’s ice cold – all the time. Ever had ice cold hands take off your bra? NO FUN, Bella.
3. He doesn’t eat or drink. HUGE PROBLEM. Firstly, I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t enjoy a good cocktail
daily now and again. Secondly, it’s gonna get pretty old having Ed watch you eat three times a day. You’re going to get very self conscious about your eating habits, Bella. I mean, think of the road trips to Jacksonville to visit your Mother.
Bella: I’m hungry, Edward. Let’s get off at the next exit and grab some lunch.
Ed: You just ate like 6 hours ago! We’re making good time!
Bella: I’m serious, I need a taco or something.
Ed: (flipping on turn signal and grumbling) F*cking mortals.
4. The whole undead thing. Bella, you are going to get older and Ed is going to stay 17 years old… forever. It might work for Ashton and Demi, but I guarantee it will be totally uncool for you. You can rock the boy toy thing for only so long, but eventually Edward will go in search of younger blood. Literally.
I’m really trying not to sound prejudiced because really? Am I one to talk? If you are into the undead, that’s totally your business, Bella – everyone has their type, right? I just don’t know that dating an animal eating immortal is really all that it’s hyped up to be. Sure, the super strength part is pretty cool if you need help getting the lid off of the jar of spaghetti sauce, I suppose. The fast-semi-flying thing would be pretty awesome when you just want to bop out to the liquor store, as well. Not having to cook for your man…ever? Hmmm. Also, you get the bed to yourself, really. No fighting for the covers, huh? Your guy never ages and his rock-hard abs stay that way…for all time?!?
Wait! Bella! I’ve changed my mind! CRAP. Leave it to me to finally get married only to realize my perfect match is an undead blood sucking Cassanova*.
*Kidding! I’ve found the love of my life and I’m looking forward to our *twilight* years together.