The $13 Target dress is not going to work. Big surprise! So, for the last two weeks I’ve been on the hunt (yet again) for a wedding dress.
SCENES FROM A BRIDAL SHOP (alternatively titled, “breaking Kellie’s spirit“)
Kellie was the young perky assistant tasked with helping me.
Me (wearing dress #1) – Kellie, I look like a potato.
Kellie: No you don’t! I think you need a special bra for that dress. Hold on.
Kellie returns with a full blown corset, I kid you not.
Me: Kellie, that’s not a bra. That has more holes and hooks than the pegboard in my Dad’s garage.
Kellie: Just try it.
I tried it and I also broke a sweat doing so. There is a reason there are no mirrors inside a dressing room in a bridal shop. Remember in the movie “SAW” when that chick had the reverse bear trap on her head? If she didn’t get it off in time it would spring open and tear her jaws apart, ultimately splitting her skull in two. This was worse.
Me (wearing dress#2) – You know what I like best about this dress, Kellie? The way it shows off my tattoo. Seriously, what part of “I want sleeves!” don’t you understand?
Kellie: Strapless gowns are all the rage this fall.
Me: Kellie, if you want to see rage, bring me one more damn strapless gown.
Me (wearing dress#3) You know what? I am fat, old and pale. This dress makes me look like I should be lying in an open casket.
Kellie: Um, maybe you should come back sometime when you’re feeling a wee bit better about yourself?
Me: Kellie, you know what this place needs? A WET BAR AND A DIMMER SWITCH.
THE CALVARY STEPS IN – PHONECALL WITH STACY
Stacy: What’s this I hear about a Target dress?
Me: Well, it’s not going to work after all.
Stacy: No shit it’s not going to work. Give me your work address.
Stacy: Because I’m going to send you some dresses. Try them on and pick one, damnit.
Me: Stace – you can’t do that.
Stacy: Can and am. There’s a reason you don’t hear “and the Bride wore Mossimo“.
Stay tuned. I’m ordering my Spanx unitard today.