Feels like the first time.

Wow. You readers are curious about this clown thing! I’ll indulge. Next stop, dissapointment!

The ugly truth of the matter is that in 1988, I was in college, and the Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey Circus was in town. Me and my sorority sisters were up for a laugh so we drank a bunch of wine coolers and we hit The Big Top. I sensed the attraction from the moment we made eye contact. He was the sad but sprightly clown atop “King Tusk”, the biggest elephant in the ring. His over-sized teardrop is what initially attracted me to him, but then I glanced down and saw the size of his shoes. Oh, HONEY.


I suppose I shot myself in the foot a little here. Why lead with such a great premise, only to deliver a fairly disappointing finale? Well, ya’ll deserve the story. Here goes.

The truth of the matter is I met Scott at a bar in downtown Knoxville. I was a student at the University of Tennessee and pretty much the only virgin on campus, but of course I kept that knowledge on the down-low. I was truly and sincerely embarrassed about my virgin status, which of course seems so silly now. All of my sexually active girlfriends seemed very worldly and experienced and I was tired of feeling inferior and childlike. I felt like there was an exclusive club out there that I didn’t belong to. Heck, most of my friends lost their virginity in high school, so I really felt behind by my sophomore year of college.

Okay. I hear your minds getting blown right now. No, John was my first LOVE, but not my FIRST. And you know what? I’m proud of that.

After Johnny and I had broken up or “faded away” as I like to say, I met Scott. He was very funny and a really good guy. He had attended the Dick Van Dyke Clown College in Sarasota, Florida and really was a Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey Circus clown. I shit you not. He really did ride “King Tusk” in the Circus, and I never forgot that. He was fun to date, even if it was for only a month or two. He could hurl himself down the stairs of my dorm, and spring up…unhurt! He could do a back flip on a dime, and often would. He would *smash* himself in the face attempting to open a door and fake a big fall, to everyone’s amusement. He had a wonderful sense of humor and a gentle spirit. That’s about all I remember. LIKE, REALLY I’M NOT KIDDING.

I remember we had been out drinking and he was wearing a railroad conductor hat. *shudder* He had a little pouch around his neck that contained his crystal that he always carried with him. I know, did you just throw up in your mouth a little bit? IT WAS THE EIGHTIES PEOPLE. I had a crystal hanging off of my desk lamp. Ugh.

Anyway, we came back to my dorm room and I pretended to know what I was doing. I was frozen and terrified and just wanted to get things over with and not die a virgin. Seriously, I remember that being my thought. I knew that I didn’t love Scott, but I knew that he was a good guy and that he wouldn’t hurt me, and at my advanced age (almost 21!) that was enough.

So, Scott and I had *sex* for about 1.5 minutes. I think we were both mortified. I don’t think I told him I was a virgin, but I’m sure that became horribly obvious in those few minutes. I remember laying there and wondering if it was over or not. Awesome.

Afterwards, I felt a vast sense of relief. I had finally done *IT*! I felt victorious as something so major was finally crossed off of my list. Sad, no? Really, I think I was just glad I had survived.

The next day my roomate Teen found the condom wrapper ( see? we were smart even then!) in our bathroom trashcan and asked me about it. I finally admitted to her that up until the night before, I was indeed a virgin. She told me my secret was safe with her.


The next day I got off the elevator into the dormitory floor and there were a bunch of girls sitting around smoking, drinking diet coke, and watching Oprah.

Their heads turned around, and they saw me exit the elevator.

I said “Hey guys!!”

They started humming this.

Teen could never keep a secret.

6 thoughts on “Feels like the first time.

  1. Anonymous says:

    She still can’t!Mookie

  2. That’s hilarious! The kazuu music made me roar! Those bitches!!!! All of us have our own funny stories about sexual escapades whether or not they were the first or not…you are just brave enough to post about it! Nope…I’m not going there on my own blog! 🙂

  3. I wish my first time was as memorable and amusing! Ugh!

  4. Imez says:

    I’m new here, so I don’t know John or much of anything, really. But, as posts lead to posts, I’d love one about why you are proud that John wasn’t your first sexual experience, cuz it sounds like some heavy wisdom waiting to be laid down. Also, I’d need to know who John is. Or I could just, you know, mind my own business.

  5. Elliemae says:

    Holy hell, the kazoo made me cry!

  6. Amy (omysue) says:

    This is totally unrelated to this post, but I came across this video this morning and I thought of you. I thought I would share this, as an idea since you and John are planning your wedding:Wedding Dance

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