Hurricane Jennifer

Hiya innernets. How was your weekend? I don’t have a cohesive thought train tonight so we’ll just go with it, whattya say?

SELLING YOUR HOUSE IS FUN…NOT.

So far ole St. Joe hasn’t brought on the buyers. Of course, the market is a bit dodgy right now and it’s only been up for two weeks. However, I can’t tell you how much I enjoy getting up a half hour earlier each morning to fluff pillows, vacuum dog hair and put away dinner dishes. I have to make sure the house in an always showable state and that, my friends, is a pain in the ass. Give me a very large break. You mean I can’t leave my underwear on the floor? Notsomuch.

IT WAS A JOKE, I SWEAR TO YOU

Two weeks ago I was at the lake house with John. We needed to run into town to pick up some necessities like garbage bags and the like. John is not a list-maker, but I thrive on them and have a list of some sort operating constantly. He laughed at me as I sat down at the kitchen table to make our grocery list. As I was writing everything down, I looked up at him and said “what else”? Without missing a beat he said “anal beads”. Without hesitation I turned back to my list and wrote “anal beads”, sandwiched between “ant traps” and “bottled water”. I thought nothing more of it. This is not funny to most and I realize I’m very lucky to have found this man.

Today at lunch one of my co-workers needed a pen and paper. I reached into my purse and handed him my little tablet and a pen. You can see where this is going, can’t you? Stevie Wonder himself could see where this is going. I went back to my lunch and suddenly he says “just where in the HELL do you shop”?!? I shook my head in confusion. “What kind of store has garbage bags AND anal beads? Now that’s what I call a superstore!”

*my head hit the table* Try explaining that. Just try.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN IMPOLITE

Yesterday I met one of my oldest and dearest friends to attend the first Titans football game of the season. He had an extra ticket and had invited me earlier this week. We started tailgating around 10am. I figured that I would have a beer only option once inside the stadium, so I opted to imbibe on Cape Cod’s during the mornings’ festivities. We grilled brats and dogs and enjoyed the perfect weather. Not a cloud in the sky and the enthusiasm was almost palpable. As we were entering the stadium, my pal Tim handed me my ticket. I almost collapsed. The ticket read “Club Level”. Uh oh. This meant an open bar, basically. Have we addressed my willpower issues? By “issues” I mean, I HAVE NONE. I mean, really, it would have been rude not to partake at the highest level, correct? His job is to entertain clients and I promise you, innernet, I was VERY ENTERTAINING by the second half of the game. I just remember rolling up to my party with two personal pizzas, a glass of vodka with a lemon and a Red Bull, and my hair on top of my head like “Pebbles” from the Flintstones. GOOD TIMES. Who needs a refill?!?

Well, I was D.Runk by the end of things but the Titans won and I had a perfect day. Well, a perfectly drunken day but I think the folks in Club Level enjoyed my rendition of “Riverdance“. Who wouldn’t? All the camera phones coming out assured me of such.

I HAD A HUNCH

Saturday I participated in a charity bike ride for breast cancer. It’s the first major ride I’ve done since “Jack and Back” of last October. The weather was overcast and perfect for a long haul. Well, much like our last charity ride, Barb planted the fart machine on my bike once again. Let me mention here that this breast cancer ride was for women cyclists only. Turns out, much like I expected, women don’t find farting NEAR as funny as men do. Not only did they not laugh, I think we disgusted most of the 500 participating cyclists. This revelation did not deter us however, and made us laugh even harder. Because we are assholes. After the first 15 miles, we knew what we were dealing with and I purposely would cycle closer to my feminine counterparts. Barb would hit the trigger and I’d loudly yell an apology. “GEEZ! Sorry, ladies”! No laughter. Looks of disdain. Barb literally fell off of her bike at one point from laughing at their reactions. She was zigzagging behind me and suddenly I heard a skid and a thud. There she was on the asphalt, in hysterics. I’m not kidding. Immature? You bet. Hilarious? ABSOLUTELY.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I work with one of my best friends. He is a sales engineer for our software company. He recently sold a car on Craigslist and the buyer has been bothering him over the weekend with incessant whining about the vehicles performance.

Chris: So, anyway, this douche keeps calling me saying everything in the world is wrong with the car.
Me: But he took it for a test drive, right?
Chris: Yeah, and he signed the “as is” form I drew up. This guy is making me crazy. It’s a damn good car.
Me: Well, don’t worry about it. He bought it from you fair and square. You didn’t sell him a piece of crap, you were honest.

Chris: I know. It kind of surprises me, really, that I would have this kind of concern over a stranger thinking I sold him something that doesn’t meet his expectations.

Me: I know, it surprises me. You’re a dick.

Chris: I know, plus I do it every day here at work.

That didn’t translate as well as I’d have liked, but if you’ve ever been in software sales (or sales, period) there is this imaginary product we in the “biz” like to call “Vaporware”…where you sell your actual product, but the customer thinks they are getting something else than the actual product and no, it doesn’t clean your house and babysit your children. IT IS SOFTWARE. So, it made me laugh really hard because Chris said it so matter-of-factly. I love him.

NEXT UP

John will be here this weekend and we’re discussing wedding plans. Well, I’m discussing wedding plans and John is going to clutch a throw pillow and rock back and forth in a corner of my living room. Can’t wait!

4 thoughts on “Hurricane Jennifer

  1. Did I already mention how wonderfully lucky John is?You have to drink all you can at an open bar. They get insulted if you don’t.Farts are always funny. Obviously those women had a major malfunction.Lists beg for special additions.

  2. Elliemae says:

    I’m a girl and I think farts are hilarious. I can make farts with my hands. 🙂

  3. Twigs says:

    As a woman I would personally laugh hysterically about the fart machine…but DH and I raised three sons so I’m immune to the whole thing. 🙂 What makes me crazy though is that it is ok for the males in my family to fart, but if I do…OMG you’d think I had committed an unpardonable sin.BTW, Congrats on your engagement! I’ve had a feeling it was heading that way and always enjoy reading your posts. Good luck to you as you start your life with the love of your life!

  4. julia says:

    What a great visual I have of you and Barb on the bikes- hilarious!!

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