You still here?

ONE YEAR GONE BY

So, last Saturday marked the one year anniversary of my Father’s death. I spent the day with Johnny’s family. His folks and daughters, at the lake house. I think it was a perfect way to honor my Dad’s memory considering it was he that reunited us in the first place. I spent the day with two bouncy cherubs and marveled at their boundless energy and sweet innocence. I think I held things together pretty well until the wee hours when “Camera” by REM played on my iPod and John held me while I sobbed uncontrollably. I’m still getting used to not having him around, you know. I can’t believe it’s been one year. I still think of him every single day. It’s odd. I was so relieved when he finally passed that I thought I’d handle this a whole lot better. That’s not been the case, however. Sometimes I wonder if my tears are from guilt instead of loss. I constantly torture myself with hindsight. What I should have done differently. What I should or should not have said. I feel like I didn’t do enough, that I should have been there more for him in his last months. I’m a selfish asshole of a daughter.

Except that I’m not. I did the best I could. I really, really did. I received a very thoughtful email from Rocketman over the weekend that assured me of such. Still, it’s been hard. Really painful and hard. I just miss my Daddy.

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OBSERVATIONS

Kid’s TV these days is frightening. Give me some ole Gilligan’s Island and the Brady Bunch. Even the cartoons scare me. What’s wrong with Bugs Bunny?

Children drink something called “bug juice” now. If you don’t know that going in to things, it can be somewhat confusing and troublesome.

Every little girl wants the pink towel, end of discussion.

Trying to convince a 2 year old that “pasta” and “macaroni” are the same thing is futile.

Nothing is sweeter than sleeping next to a trusting child. I felt like a lioness. This is new to me.

I surprised myself. Not only can I do this, I want to.

*********************************************

There is a boy in my office that has a crush on me. I find this whimsical and bemusing, and yes, even flattering. He is almost 20 years my junior. Who am I, Susan Sarandon? He’s socially somewhat awkward but very sweet and I am very mindful of his feelings. I can remember being him, you know? I never thought I’d be the very much older object of someones affections, but it is amusing to me. Hello Mrs. Robinson! A few weeks ago I ran into him at happy hour and plopped down on a bar stool adjacent. His left leg bounced up and down the entire time. It bobbed up and down so fast that I thought he’d lose his balance. He never made eye contact with me. It was very, very cute. Oh, God. I’m old.

*********************************************

I am totally obsessed with this song right now. Not in a “sad-oh-my-god-let’s-go-cut-ourselves-kinda-way” either. I just love this song, and as sad as it is, it makes me smile. I know, I know, weird, right? It’s perfect in its honesty or something. I don’t know.

My happy song. Welcome to 1972.

I love it. It’s just so…..so…..perfect. In its sadness, I suppose. I’m not even sad and I love it. Jebus, I’m a ‘tard. Enjoy.

12 thoughts on “You still here?

  1. OmySue says:

    First, I’m glad that Johnny was there for you to make it through that year mark. I am going to order a book of your father’s photography. I see it as my contribution to keeping his memory alive. I hope that makes as much sense as I think it does?Also, I think I am the one who is the tard. I have re-read that last section several times and I can’t figure it out. Do you tell us the name of the song and I think its a statement and not the title? Shed some light please before I think that I am a total moron.

  2. Where can you get a book of his photography? Also, I can’t believe it’s been a year. And, why are you even surprised that the boy has a crush on you?? I mean, duh.

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. Jen says:

    Thanks to both of you for reading and writing! The song is called “Alone Again (Naturally), by Gilbert O’Sullivan. It’s an old song, and a very sad song, but for some reason the rythym and melody of it makes me really happy. Then again, we all know how morbid I can be!You can order my Dad’s book on Amazon.com. It’s called “Images from the Trunk; Japan 1945” by Joe O’Donnell. I think that’s a terrific honor to his memory. You guys are really thoughtful. Thank you.

  5. I’m sorry for your loss. I hope time will make it hurt a little less.

  6. Cindy Hall says:

    I will just tell you this….there is no convincing a 2 year. End of story! Hope all is well. We miss talking to you. 🙂

  7. Wendy says:

    I can’t believe it has already been a year since your father passed away. It just doesn’t seem like it has been that long.I know you have Johnny, but just think, in a different world you could be this kid’s cougar! Rawhr!

  8. Jen says:

    Wendy – that “rawhr” at the end of your comment almost made me shoot vodka outta my nose. Hilarious! Koo koo ka choo, Mrs. Robinson!

  9. Elliemae says:

    Cougar! You’re a lioness in more than one sense of the word! I’m going to find your dads book….

  10. jill says:

    I can’t believe it’s been a year either. I’m glad you have Johnny. And I’m glad it was your dad who brought you back together. Dads take care of daughters forever, huh?

  11. Sarah Booz says:

    I completely understand the Dad thing. It’ll be, Jesus, seven years for me in March. It doesn’t get easier, but it does becomes more manageable. I still have moments where I forget he’s gone because I have a question that I just know he would have the answer to. And the hindsight thing? Have totally been there. It’s not worth it, but it happens.Good Luck.

  12. Imez says:

    What I love is that you’re sure he has a crush on you. Somehow, that means you’re that kind of person for whom it would be true.I’d think his leg was bouncing because he wanted to bolt.

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